Welcome to Pleasanton Hospital’s brand new website!  We’re working hard to make sure our homepage meets your needs just as well as our doctors, nurses and hospital administration staff.  In addition, we’re genuinely looking forward to having a site where we can address persistent allegations regarding patient safety.  Here to address some of those claims is our very own Hospital Administrator, Chelsea Armstrong:

Since this hospital was first founded in 1941 by the venerable James Jasper, who so valiantly gave his own life – and the lives of his family – in the pursuit of advancing both science and medicine, we have held ourselves to nothing but the highest standards of excellence.  And true as it may be that patients have had a tendency to go missing over the years, I want to put to rest any further stories or gossip surrounding the hospital’s “Grim Reaper”.  Our state of the art video surveillance system is yet to catch a glimpse of anyone matching the description of the assailant, a fabled “Dark Doctor” who’s been blamed for patients disappearing from their beds all the way back to the 1950′s.  And in spite of the fact that another patient went missing just last week – a soldier who was being treated for critical wounds – we’re confident that the hospital will once again be held in the esteem it enjoyed when Dr. James first cut its ribbon.

Please direct any press or media inquiries to Pleasanton Hospital’s attorney. He can be reached through Hoffman, Liebman & Associates – just ask for Spex.